The Five Most Powerful Questions to Ask

What do you say to a close friend when she shares a problem that she’s having? How do you respond when your child or spouse has had a terrible day or trouble with a friend or colleague?

Me? I like to think of myself as a problem solver. Come to me with a problem, I’ll offer a solution. It’s not uncommon in such situations that I find myself launching into, “you know what you should do?” followed with a few “helpful” suggestions.

But too often when found in this situation especially with my children, I’d hear back from them, “mom, I can’t do that,” or worse they just stop talking in frustration with my response and I’d get a “never mind” back from them. It has occurred to me that by offering solution after solution I wasn’t really hearing them out or letting them figure out the situation on their own.

So when Karen Dawson of the Deeper Funner Change Project spoke at our Powerful Conversations gro CRAFT event in September, I was ready to listen.

The most powerful thing you can do in conversation is “to give the conversation space,” Karen says. Not taking the conversation away from the person by filling it up with your own need to respond and problem solve.

How do you do this? Karen tells us to “listen with your whole body.” It’s deep listening where you’re not necessarily focused on the details of the situation, but on the overall, deep feelings the person is sharing.

Along with deep listening, how else can you participate? Karen shared her five favourite questions that keep the space open in conversation, invite greater clarity and show compassion.

1) What do you want?

2) What’s the real challenge for you?

3) What are you afraid of?

4) How are you partly responsible?

5) What is your very, very first step?

These can be tough, uncomfortable questions to ask and to answer. Karen refers to it as “coach listening” and a valuable way of showing up to help those you care about get from where they are, to where they need to be.

So – what’s your very, very first step?